I have a close female friend who is steadily growing older and can’t find a partner to settle down with. Sometimes she talks about finding a man with similar qualities to me and that makes me cringe because she is the antithesis of everything I want in a woman. Needless to say, she’s probably also the antithesis of what guys who are like me look for as well.
After giving it some thought I decided to write down all the things I believe are holding her back in a no-holds-barred blog post. I’m writing things that I wish I could tell her in person but can’t because I don’t think she’d take it constructively. That’ll bring me to my first point — she’s unable to process information that doesn’t fit her predefined worldview.
I believe this stems from her sense of entitlement. She has a mental model of the rules she thinks everyone should play by and “righteously” berates anyone who goes against her warped sense of morality. For example, when she does something nice for someone, she expects something in return. It makes everything she does seem like a transaction. Like she’s saying “I’ll do something for you now, but I’ll collect on your gratitude later” whenever she does something nice for someone else. When she feels as if the favors she’s deserved aren’t doled out to her, she has these child-like fits of anger which frankly showcase a lack of self-control.
There’s also her issue of indifference towards doing basic tasks. Whether it’s making sure her room isn’t covered in dirty clothes or preventing old food from rotting in her room, there seems to be a lack of care put into completing even the most basic things in her life. Who wants their life partner to be someone who can’t separate their dirty clothes from their clean clothes? Or someone who can’t wash a dish properly without there being food on it afterwards? Although there are guys who are willing to take care of all domestic duties, I don’t many people would accept such an uneven distribution of responsibilities.
She also makes a lot of excuses. She has been diagnosed with a few mental maladies like anxiety but my problem with her is that she uses these diagnoses as an excuse for not pursuing her goals. I’m all for people learning their limits and how far they can push themselves, but some people don’t even try to find where their limits are at all. It’s annoying when someone is constantly bringing up a mental ailment as an excuse not to try something uncomfortable. I’m all for understanding one’s limits, but I will not stand for people not pushing themselves to whatever their limits to get better at something.
I could go on and on with examples of how this girl exemplifies all of these traits along with other vices like her addiction to cigarettes and need for social validation but I think I’ll wrap this up on a good note. Nearing one’s 40s as a bachelorette is never easy. She’s always wanted someone who understands her but I think she’s starting to feel as if no guys want to. Understanding that there’s a problem is half the battle so maybe internalizing this knowledge into her feedback loop will help her grow into a person that’s worth the effort of understanding. After some growth, maybe she can meet a man who can help her where she’s at and encourage mutual growth among the both of them. Those are the relationships that tend to be the strongest since committing to someone is hard, and true love is a lot more work than most people make it out to be.