Thinking too much has always been a major problem of mine. That’s how I find myself writing this post at 1:45AM. I just had a conversation with one of my closest female friends and went to bed feeling strangely morose. I was acting like I wasn’t and didn’t bring it up, but now I can’t go to sleep because I can’t rest until this feeling is unraveled. All I know is that the root of this feeling is related to her.
In our conversation today we went back and forth revealing and discussing our deepest fears. During this process I debated and ultimately decided to tell her my biggest fear underlying all of my problems — the fear of being different. Different enough to be labeled an anomaly and un-extraordinary enough to warrant ostracism. The big irony here is that this friend I was talking to is the source of many insecurities revolving not being normal. She contributes to this feeling of being different by offering advice on how to overcome some of these insecurities. These tips provide less comfort by offering solutions I believe to not work from every part of my being, therefore making some of these problems seem more intractable.
There’s also another reason that I was hesitant to write because it’s embarrassing, but since the hallucination caused by sleep deprivation are coming in I’ll just say it outright. Part of the irony of her making me feel more estranged is her romantic feelings towards me. Sometimes there’s verbal affection but I don’t know how she actually feels. Now the shameful part of this is that the doubts come from physical shows of affection. The problem is I don’t feel any from her which brings up a multitude of issues in my head. She’s informed me of her previous sexual partners, and from what I’ve gathered, there’s been multiple times where she compromised on looks and personality. The fact that she doesn’t seem to take any interest in me (aside from some previous talk over the phone in the past) would therefore imply that I’m worse in the looks department, personality department, both departments, or a new department entirely.
Alright I’m delirious enough from sleep deprivation to deliver a closer analysis that’s both blunt and to the point. Because I’m using sex to signify a level of connection with her that I don’t have, and the fact others have had sex with her means they were able to get that aspect of connection. The bad feeling I’m left with (or was since my brain is shutting down for sleep) was the working assumption that I’m too different to be loved in the same way as them. Whether this is a result of a physical limitation or a personal one I have no idea but all I know is that I’m doing something different enough from those other guys to be a lot less desirable. Mix this in with a talk about my insecurities and me getting an increasing feeling of romantic indifference from her digs at the fact I’m less desirable than the other guys and that hurts. It’s a manifestation of unrequited feelings and heartbreak.