Falling in love and partnering up with someone is seen as the norm amongst the human population. In western society this follows the process of courting someone for a period of time until they can confirm their interest is reciprocated, fall disinterested, or know their interest will *never* be reciprocated.
One thing I find fascinating about this process is how “too much” interest can repel suitors whether it be from the initiator or the reciprocator. What one views as “love”, another can easily describe as obsessive. But why does obsessive love become repugnant to those who would otherwise be attracted if feelings were reduced?
Some might say it’s because “obsessive love” is not a valid form of “love.” I’d push back on this but I know semantic arguments do no good so I’ll remove the definitional ambiguities. I’m defining “love” as intense positive feelings for someone and “obsessive love” is when those feelings consume the majority of someone’s attention.
Questioning the existence of obsessive love is a good starting point for discussion though. To reject the existence of obsessive love implies a sanctity to the concept of love that the description of ‘obsessive’ would sully.
When people think of ‘obsessive love’ they might think of a stalker like Joe from ‘You,’ where the intensity of the obsessed’s feelings can cause them to inconvenience their target’s life in pursuit of their own needs. Although I’m only considering the case where both parties have already expressed initial interest in each other, the case of ‘Joe’ would still be helpful to analyze. Whenever an obsessor is silently influencing the decisions of their loved one, or the environment of their loved ones, I believe it’s from a place of hubris where the obsessor thinks they know what’s *best* for their loved one. Or worse, that *they are* what’s best for them.
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad if the decisions obsessors steer their target away from *would* be seen as bad by the target, but in most cases this type of manipulation is unacceptable for most people. Personally I think the moral way to approach influencing the decision of a loved one is to make an argument containing all the context thought to be missing, and once they have all the context to let them make their own decisions. Any other interference is the enforcement of one’s world views onto another.
What I think is more interesting is the case where an obsessive lover in a relationship *doesn’t* interfere with their partner and appears to be the all-loving, no-inconvenience-having significant other. Someone who gives you your space, but who’s universe still revolves around you when alone. This seems like the perfect partner so why does this seem like an uncomfortable situation to be in?
Well if the non-obsessive lover loves the obsessive lover, it might be worrying to have the entirity of someone’s mental state depending on them. The obsessive partner may not be needy in the traditional sense but there does need to be a good relationship going between them and their partner all the time or they will fall into a bout of depression.
One last reason I can think of as why someone might not want to be in the situation of having an obsessively loving partner is what I call “the expectation.” The expectation is the version of you your partner sees at any given moment. Sometimes the expectation is good (being a loyal partner) and sometimes the expectation is bad (like being a deadbeat), but there’s always an expectation. Really amongst all kinds of relationships, even non-romantic ones.
Now what an obsessive partner has as an expectation is clearly something they feel very strongly about. The scary part about that is the common inability of an obsessive partner to reconcile views that don’t match their expectation. They’ll either live in outright delusion in which they come up with all kinds of justifications for expectation-aberrant behavior, or they’ll come to their senses and drop their partner.
Sometimes the love of an obsessive partner is inflexible and incapable of growing along with the increasing knowledge of their partners. The deviance from the expectation can be as small as not donating a dollar to a homeless person on the street when their partner thought they would, or enjoying a sports game when their partner thought they were too nerdy to.
Obsessive love that’s too flexible means an obsessive lover can be swayed just as easy as they were acquired while an obsessive lover who’s inflexible means they can leave you at the drop of a hat. They may not love you, they might just love the clichéd *idea* of you. I don’t think there’s a middle ground. If you’re obsessive it means you feel strongly about something that’s either common enough to make you fall easily and obsessively for anyone, or restrictive enough that favor can be dropped just as quickly as it was earned.
In my opinion the best kind of love is one that is large and encompassing but not to the point where there’s no room for anything else. This kind of love should be slowly nurtured over time and become something that uniquely manifests as an appreciation for the idiosyncrasies of the person they love in a way that it can’t easily be moved on from or applied to another. Generally my advice is to steer clear of the fast and obsessive kinds of love and look for the love that can be fostered and grown between the people that share it.