And why not me

“Why are you with him if you still feel alone even when your together?”

And why not me?

“He’s done things with you and been with you in ways that I never have. To me, that *is* dating. How is that not dating?”

And why not me?

“You’ve already hurt me in the past, I’m just trying not to get hurt in the future. I think some reflection would be good for you and whoever you end up with”

And why not me?

Every statment I utter through the phone has an undercurrent of anger and hopelessness. It becomes a challenge to hold my voice steady through my rapid breathing signaling my elevated heartrate.

Subconsciously I’ve been hoping for something that should have been relequished long ago. A future with the only person who could call me 7 days straight without annoying me. With someone who had admirable goals and somewhat interesting perspectives. Someone who I could enjoy talking and listening to. But I ignored all the signs of me getting fucked over.

I was way too invested in someone I never felt I could get commitment from, and scared to ask for it because I knew I couldn’t trust her to uphold it. “Maybe I could get commitment over time,” I thought, allowing my most fantastical thoughts to take form.

The commitment level was so low, there was still another guy in the picture. The fact I thought I could build a relationship with her was delusional. I didn’t want to play second fiddle to anyone yet I stuck through it, ignoring how bad it fucked with me mentally.

Still I rooted for a future where I would be the only one, willfully ignoring the abysmal situation I was in. I clearly cared more for her than she did me and it’s frustrating acknowledging my own stupidity. The “other guy” had his contact as “my king” on her phone and probably had me under “dumbass”. When I spent time contemplating how I could come to where she was, someone else spent time coming inside her. It’s absolute madness and it will be a constant reminder of who I need to become going forward.

Eventually I stopped asking “And why not me?” and started asking “Why me?”. It’s not that the old question magically went away, I just started to accept the fact that she didn’t see me as worthy of commitment. The nasuea-inducing heartbreak motivated me to ask how I put myself into this position.

I was looking for an answer to the “and why not me” question without understanding the true motivations of the girl who I wanted to choose me. I ignored the simple truth that she didn’t care about me as much as I did her. I was the person designated to keep chasing her as her backup. Someone so emotionally invested that I couldn’t even stand up for myself and uphold the rules I’ve made for myself.

All I really wanted was for her to be my girlfriend which basically just required her not to fuck other guys. Ultimately I was never worth even a month of celibacy and put in way less than I got out. Instead of celebrating a one year anniversary with someone who I could’ve been in a relationship with, I’m wallowing over my own fuckup where I chased a girl who played me.