What was my experience? Well I was assumed to be high when i made a joke and my small ego said why not get high? I had 2 gummies after smoking a bit of the pen and felt it all. Then John offered to smoke some of his pipe, and I did. Then I got so high I couldn’t localize myself. I told Bobby what was happenning and he directed me towards the tent. i laid down and tried to sleep but my thoughts kept racing. It was marijuana induced insomnia. My brain was eushing with thoughts. After a while I wanted to make it stop. My mental fatigue did nothing to bring it down, and I laid in the tent trembling. I heard the rest of the camping group spot shooting stars, but I couldn’t make my way out of the tent because I was so disoriented. I needed someone to keep me grounded, so I called Bobby in to get me some water. He left, and I sat in the tent thinking of a way to get him to stay and keep my mind focused, but I couldn’t. All I could think about was how big a mistake I had made earlier that night to begin consuming marijuana; Or even earlier to the beginning of summer where I thought I might try it because of it’s alleged mind enlightening properties and it’s ability to alleviate depression. I’m not diagnosed as depressed, but I imagined if it’s used for the disease it could only have positive mind altering affects.
As I laid in the tent other thoughts hit me. It was as if my mind was enlightened to all the things I had done in the past. Many past decisions now seemed stupid, and I thought about all the things I took for granted. Because this was camping, this includes things such as basic utilities we use for everyday life. Also in this mind-altered state, I thought about how much was left to say to the people I love. My mother was among these people, and I realized how much she’s done (and still does) for me and my failure to show my appreciation. I thought of how stupid continuous use of weed was. I thought of my roommate Max and how appreciative I was of him stopping me from getting to that point long before. I thought of many things although mostly in a paranoid worried way.
I thought about how uncharacteristic of me to take chances going to a place I knew nothing about. I thought about how stupid it was to decide to go camping in an area considerably far from any civilization. I thought about my previous blatant disregard for dangers n the area including bears and rock slides. How could I be so stupid? Now I sat up, thinking that this experience was pennance for all my wrongs. Marijuana now seemed a demon substance for me, and that it fostered more than pleasant experiences. I thought about how free legislation was on marijuana and how bad this could mess with an area if introduced to quickly without registration. I was now flipping sides to how marijuana should be banned, and that this experience, if experienced earlier, might have significantly messed with my cognitive development as a teenager.
Strangely enough, although I abhorred the idea of any further recreational use of this drug and this whole summer camping experience, I was grateful for the insights it gave me. Mixed into the ridiculous thoughts, were deep contemplations of life that I did not want to deal with. This high left me with all the things I have been storing and ignoring in the back of my mind. All open decisions and responsibilities that were important yet unpleasant to think about. The stress of thinking about all of these things accumulated into one exprerience which my mind could no longer ignore. Everything from how to handle the impending death of an aunt with cancer, to my inability to tell my mom to go camping, my fear to tell certain people how I feel about them, and even the purpose of my lifr (a long htought about question).
Laying there I decided to write to keep my mind off things and although I wrote about a paragraph, my mind would not stop spinning with these important distressing thoughts. They would not be ignored and put to the side and there was nothing I could do to block them out, I understood that now. I laid there thinking that maybe this was enlightenment. Maybe there was a hidden trove of wisdom waiting to be released into my mind i exchange for my current sanity. I felt I was going insane, and possibly schizophrenic right when I began to appreciate the things in my life.
I began to feel empathy like never before and felt enormous pity towards those who I previously had indfifference. I thought about how cold it was getting in the tent, and how miserable it must be to be homeless in San Francisco. I pitied my roommate who’s occasional smoking of cigarettes became a addiction before his eyes. I thought of my sister who I had taken for granted, and my cousins who are mentally insane. Now, I felt, I began to understand a microscopic piece of that pain. The disconnect that one’s mind might have from the brain. Life in that state felt like a function that was constantly riddled with noisey inputs and expected to return reasonable results.
Why was I scared? The fear of not being able to return to normal was one of the bggest things on my mind.
The next day. My brain, and it’s power to feel chemicals.
Teo days after I write this memo because the traumatic psychological affects of this experience is still present and will not go away until addressed. I need to further learn how to be honest with myself and other about the way I feel, and not build up negative emotions. Funnily enough, as I write this, my brain feels the way it does on a high. The catharsis of writing is keeping my fingers attached to my keyboard, and refusing to go back to it’s usual activities. I feel as though I need to releaase these thoughts, but now that they have been addressed, I’ll soon enough figure out a way to handle all my individual problems. This is the time to work on the things I have a new found appreciation for. I would like to say that I can implement all my positive changes, but I can’t. Anger is something I don’t find as part of an enlightened mind, but I have a lot of. The mai target of hate is mainly myself, but a great deal is projected outward. The courage of addressing certain problems is still not there, and open decisions are still beign rtionalized.